Funny word of the week

Beguile v. To decieve by guile, delude.

Ex:
Hey man lets play 1994's hit action game Street Fighter. I call Blanka, you can beguile

Yo Cracka’, whachu you starin’ at?

Are you ever pacing around a mall in your favorite hometown and realized you’re so bored you could slap a baby. Yeah that Orange Julius stand isn’t gonna help at all, mainly because their smoothies taste like shit. Oh, there’s lids maybe I can get a hat with a racy statement on it like “Snatch” or “Red Sox.” Nuts to all that. Next time you’re at the mall and bored try this:

Just go to a crowded area (preferably near an elevator) and just stop in the middle of everybody mid stride and just stare at the ceiling. Don’t move, just stand there like an asshole and stare up at the ceiling. People will be so confused they’ll try to see what you’re looking at. If other mall-goers ask questions, just ignore them like you’re looking at the fucking coolest thing in the world and nothing could make you stop looking at it. You’ll probably get asked questions like the following:

“What’s he staring at? Is there southin’ goin’ on with the lights or sumthin’” – Typcial 41 year old redneck woman w/ purple tye-dye Tweety Bird t-shirt
“What’s that kid staring at?” – Typical 13 year old prepubescent dildo wearing a backwards YAGA hat and a Jncos.
“What’s the cracka’ starin’ at?” - typical 26 year old African American male sporting extremely oversized solid white t-shirt
“Yo Cracka’, whachu you starin’ at?” – same guy as before, question asked seconds later

After you get tired of staring (5 minutes minimum), just walk away. You’ll be surprised with how funny you think it is. Unless during the course of your little prank, you realize there is a bird up there or possibly a superhero of sorts, possibly the Human Fly, it kind of gets ruined. What you don’t think it’s funny? Well have you tried it? I didn’t think so. Quit being so judgmental, dick.

The Only Thing About Me is the Way That I Walk

Imagine this....
What if no one in the world could run. However, instead of walking normally when you walked you did it in the same manner as if you were in a total sprint, you just didn't cover much ground. As of right now your probably saying to yourself wow that is really stupid. Try it as good as you can and see if anyone around you isn't laughing their ass of. Seriously get up right now and try it.

Secret Society (for DeKalb)

There is this new club called the PEN 15 club. Its really cool and we have meetings to discuss current events of this illustrious club. Its really easy to join all you have to do is let me write "PEN 15" on you hand. Once you are a member, you can invite other people to be in the club by also writing "PEN 15" on other's hands.

SECRET REVEALED.....

There is no such thing as the PEN 15 club. This is just an excuse to write the word "penis" on people's hands. See the "15" can be made to look like "IS" and then it will look like the phallic word. Not only will you humiliate the people you do it to, but they will have "penis" written on their hand until they go to the nearest lavatorium and clean it off. Genius i tell you, Genius!!!

Example situation:

Me: Hey dude you wanna be in the PEN 15 club?
Sucker: It sounds pretty neat Stuart, but why would i want to join said club?
Me: Well we have meetings and its really fun and illustrious.
Sucker: Sure why the heck not. I'm intrigued and interested.
Me: Ok. Just let me initiate you by writing "PEN 15" on your hand.
Sucker: Aww thanks, Stuart. This club is gonna b....WHAT THE FUCK!!! you just wrote "penis" on my hand, you dillhole.
Me: HAHAHA!!! I know and you look fucking ridiculous.

People this has worked on since 3rd grade:
Stephen Bailey

Poll the Audience?? 50/50?? Phone a friend??

Mike and I were recently discussing the possibility of bringing back old hilarious phrases that were funny a few years ago and now, sadly, never used anymore.

Example one:

Stuart: Hey Mike, where would you like to go eat?
Mike: I dunno, maybe Little Caeser's.
Stuart: Is that your final answer? Do you need a lifeline?
Stuart and Mike: HAHAHAHAHA

Guys we'd go gay for.

This is a list of guys we go gay for. Now i recently asked all my friends guys they go gay for and of course they picked Brad Pitt and Ron Howard's brother. But i wanted it to be kind of funny while being kind of serious so here it is.

Stuart Cloud: Jason Zimbler (aka Ferguson W. Darling)
Mike Knapp: Chyna
Ethan Seifried: Conor Oberst (just so he'd write a song about Ethan)
DeKalb Gibson: the Ultimate Warrior (or most other early 90's wrestlers)
John Paetsch: Magic Johnson
Matt Mendel: Dennis Haskins
Pete Zambri: Chevy Chase
Stephen Bailey: John Candy (in ghost form)
Gouda Clark: Cecil Fielder
Caleb Carnes: Entire Male Cast of Lord of the Rings(excluding Gandolph b/c he is gay in real life)

Big Natz lyrics Vol. 1

"Like a knife, my rhymes will cut right through ya,
Appreciate my lyrics and not just my chest bazookas
Believe it, i'm from the streets,
I'll make a nigga beg me between the sheets,
because i'm larger than life and you better respect me
My breath is so bad niggas consider it deadly,
But its my raps you're hearin' around the block,
what else do you think walks around these chest rocks" - SC

So May I Introduce to you....

Recently, my friend and I were having a discussion and we decided to create a rapper. She will weigh a minimum of 286 pounds and wil be 5'6''(if she has to be taller we will obviously add on weight). She will be African American and will have gigantic breasts. I'm not saying just large breasts (DD) they will be huge and extremely fatty.

Her name will be Big Naturulz, Big Natz for short.

She will be the fierciest MC around and you will fear her, not just her rhymes will scare but her enormous body and huge jugs will make you fear for you life. I will find her at the Varsity in Atlanta(I think you know why). We, Stuart Cloud and Matt Snow, will write all her lyrics and she will have to bust them in one take, to keep up her street cred. However, she is huge, black and from the streets of Atlanta, so I think that will be plenty. We will be the creative genius behind the black blob. Mike Knapp will be her faithful manager who always gets her the nicest hotels (Marriott being the nicest, anything more will be too expensive) and the finest jewelery around.

*Disclaimer: Unfortunately we have to use the "N" word, and now that we all realize that word is "their word," we need to use it to keep up with popular rappers of the present day

Sample Lyrics:


"Niggas ask me all the time,
Is that a nipple or a black land mine" - MS

"I get asked alot all of the place,
Is that a nipple or Cedric the Entertainer's face" - MS

"Everytime Big Natz his the Streets,
People ask me if I'm smugglin' meats,
I say "Hell Naw!"
The only thing raw,
are my fat ass milk bags in my black bra" - SC

Her record will be out soon(Title Pending) and more sample lyrics will be posted on the MilkArt Blog.

Funny Word of the Week

Genitalia.

Ex: Awww, geeze dude you just kicked me in the genitalia.

OK seriously last one

Me to Eithopian: Who Died and made you the hungriest person ever?
Eithopian to Me: Terry Schiavo

Johnny Cochran jokes....Funny?

Second Joke of the Day:

Me to F. Lee Bailey: Who died and made you O.J. Simpson's most popular defense attorney?
F. Lee Bailey to Me: Johnny Cochran.

Going a little overboard: Yes.
Made me laugh quite a bit: Yes.

Mitch Hedberg jokes....funny?

Joke of the Day:

Me to Chris Rock: Who died and made you the funniest comedian in America?
Chris Rock to Me: Mitch Hedberg.

Kind of Mean: Yes
Hilarious: Not really.

Whoooossshhhhh!!

The recipe for a delicious prank call:

Step 1: Walk into the bathroom.
Step 2: Dial a telephone number you would like to prank (star 67 not necessary)
Step 3: Press send assuming you are calling from a cellular telephone
Step 4: When person on the other line answers, put the phone near the toilet
Step 5: Flush Toilet
Step 6: When toilet noises reach its apex hang up the phone. (Optional: Before you hang up, make a fart noise )
Step 7: Laugh till you doof your druthers.

Ah, thank you.

Old School

Where was I when the word "flat" became unacceptable/uncool to say.
Ex: Dude did you see that skinny girl? That bitch was flat.

Pope Jokes...Funny?

Joke the of the Day:

Me to Pope: Who died and made you Pope?
Pope to Me: the Pope.

Morbid: Yes
Hilarious: You better believe it!

Poopie Faces

I think that the funniest thing to imagine in your head is the expressions on the faces of your female friends when they are taking a dump.