Where do we go when we die?

Bailey and I, Stunt junk Clover, were on a trip to Charleston and I asked him what he wanted done with his body when he dies. He told me he would like to be cremated. I replied that i agreed and think its stupid to spend all that moolah on a casket just so your body can rot in it anyways. Bails also told me that Hunter S. Thompson had his ashes put in a cannonball and shot out in Montana. Now that's the coolest thing since the internet (Thanks, Al Gore).

However, I've also been thinking what I wanted done with my body when i was dead too. I told him my idea and he really just looked disgusted which is what i suspected.

I want someone, i honestly don't care who, to wrap my dead body around a baby apple tree so my remains fertalize the tree and my body decay gets to the budding fruit. Then my apples will be eaten by unassuming assholes in the grocery store. They will be eating my remains in apple form, its kind of equating me to Jesus, but I don't care because i'm that special.

Hold on happy readers, Bailey and I came up with some other ideas. I will give the ideas their proper producer.

1. Make a painter mix your ashes and paint a picture with it. - Bails. This is actually a cool idea but not morbid enough for me.

2. Get cremated and hire someone to throw your ashes in people's faces you fucking hate or someone you think would find it funny. Example:

Hired Goon: (Knocks on door)
Sean Lake: Hello?
Hired Goon: Excuse me, sir, are you Sean Lake?
Sean Lake: Yeah I am, who the fuck are y--
Hired Goon: (Throws ashes in face). You just got served.

Sean i love you. - Stubear

3. Give your friends your body so they can have fun with it. Let them take you around and hide you so little kids find your body and it scares the shit out of them. You can also let them throw you out of a car so you freak out most motorists. - stu + bails

4. You can also get them to put your dead body (nude of course) in the bed of your ex-wife or you could just pick some bitch you hate and put you in her bed. So when she wakes up she thinks its you but just cries because there is some cold, dead body in her bed.

Heated E-mails

Today i was eating a new Crunch Wrap Supreme from Taco Bell and it was fucking delicious. So I thought i would send the Taco Bell website an email about their delicious new item. Now this isn't too funny but it sets a good premise. Here we go:

I consider myself a Taco Bell Aficionado. I have tried all items on your menu and the crunch wrap supreme is truly amazing. Whenever you guys bring a "limited time" item that i truly enjoy, it always goes away. I would like you guys to someway keep this on the menu. It is by far my favorite taco bell product and extremely filling. The Park Aire restaurant is always efficient and has extremely nice employees. Just wanted to give you some positive customer feedback.

Thank you very much,
Stuart Cloud

P.S. What happened w/ the old just plain Beef Burrito you guys had about 10 years ago. It was my other favorite thing. IT was just beef, cheese, onions and that delicious red sauce. I also miss the enchilada. I'M FULL!!!

Now the day before i went to Chili's for a meal and got some shitty ass chicken pasta dish. And it seriously fucking sucked. I can eat a lot and i just couldn't cram that shit down my throat so I also wrote this letter. Enjoy:

Yesterday I dined at your Chili's location in Alpharetta. Now I’ve eaten at Chili's locations before and have had good meals. But yesterday i had the Cajun Chicken pasta w/ the alfredo type sauce and it was just horrible. I know you guys are a franchise so I'm sure these sauces just come in a big bag to your store locations. But it was just bad. And the spices on the chicken were atrocious too. The chicken was also way too cooked. I choose not to make comments to people while i'm at the restaurant because it usually goes unnoticed. My server was awesome and unfortunately cannot remember her name (I think it was Gertie). I work in a restaurant as well and i would hope we would never serve something so awful as that chicken disaster. I would advise taking it off the menu or creating a different sauce that doesn't make me want to not finish my food b/c its tastes that bad. Seriously, I almost threw up.

Thanks,
Stuart
marietta, ga

PS. I almost felt offended when i put that sauce in my mouth. I felt like my mom was punishing me for my foul language.

--These emails are real. See you can tell because that aren't too offensive. If they weren't real i would make them gross like saying that sauce tasted like rotten baby intestines mixed w/ cat urine.

My little lightbulbs burning bright

Well now that stuart is oversea i feel like this blog once again has a chance to be funny. The reason for the title is that i have been doing a lot of thinking about after college and what i can do to make some money. Being the entrepenour that i am i have come up with two ideas that i find pretty solid.
1. Over the last couple weeks lets just say ive been a little obsessed with pretzels. i eat them non stop. however there is something missing. I asked some of my friends if they loved pretzels and most of the time the answers came back the exact same. taste great but after a while just too dry. This is where I come in. What if i could make these pretzels not just be pretzels but some sort of super pretzel with a sort of condiment attached or something like that. I think that cheeze or pizza would be my best choice. If i can get some money up i feel that these "Combination" pretzels would be a super hit. Please give me some feedback.
2. Recently my brother went on a trip to new york city to see a friend of his. he told me all about the big apple but one thing that i found interesting is that everyone in new york eats bagels all morning long. i guess to stay healthy or something. Another thing he said is that there are about 5000 pizza parlors there too and they are always packed out. (insert genious lightbulb)...What if I could just take out the walking between the two stores and combine the two together into a pizza flavored bagel oh or even better a bagel with pizza on top of it. if i could do that then bagels wouldn't just be for the morning cause with pizza combined with a bagel, you could really eat them any time.

Alright stuarts friends who i know are the only people who read this. next time you see me tell me what you think of my brilliant ideas. oh and dont any of you even think of taking them from me.

Why We Ought To

I truely believe that a lot of fights downtown would be stopped if rather than trying to act like a hardass when someone does something to me I just put both of my fists in the air and said in a 1950's voice "Why I oughtta!"
On a similar note I have decided that I like Sophie B. Hawkins...alot

Are you threatening me?

I just thought of something. If some rotten pregnant bitch ever threatens you (I mean your life or even you new 8-ball slammer you just got to take all rich kids Fat Albert pogs with) just tell that dumb stinkhead you're gonna kick her right in her fucking stomach. I guarantee that will stop all threats from that mom-to-be to you, the victim.

Example:
mom-to-be: Hey you little bastard quit stomping on my flowers when you play flashlight tag!
me: Is that so, you rotten bitch? I will kick you right in the fuckin' kid bakery and that fetus will be history
mom-to-be: sorry, sir. It won't happen again.
me: damn right.

Example 2:
mom-to-be: Hey you lil' shit, quit stealing my garden hose!
me: Excuse me! I'll fucking kick you in your spawn farm so fast, your head will spin...and your baby's head will fall off.
mom-to-be: What is wrong with you? How can you be so morbid? (vomiting by mom-to-be ensues)

I'm going straight to haites for this one.