...They´re back!!!

In the interest of the readers of the milkart blog and all Americans I´m bring a particular type of joke back.

Me to Ruben Studdard: Who died and made you most popular, fat R&B singer in American?
Ruben Studdard to me: Luther Vandross.
Me to Ruben Studdard: Thats a little harsh dont you think?
Ruben Studdard to me: "Girl, this is my sorry for 2004"
Me to Ruben Studdard: You asshole, you can´t just quote your own lyrics and make everything all better. its not how society works these days.
Ruben Studdard to me: "All them strip clubs, all them hot tubs. I'm gone give them up, 'cause I dont want to lose your love"
Me to Ruben Studdard: Oh i can´t stay mad at you, Ruby.

Ok. after i found out luther died i thought of our original hilarious joke format. then i thought of ruben, which made me think of that verbal dairrhea he referred to as "Sorry 2004." So i really wanted to associate that into the original joke format. It may be too long, but just imagane chubby ruby tuesday getting in a bind and using his awful song lyrics to win people over. thats what made me think it was so funny. If you dont like it, you can GET OUT!!

Inappropriate Dachau Joke

Sometimes i tell jokes that are a little racey and can usually offend about... i dunno, everyone. this is one of those jokes. If you´re jewish i´m sorry because its really offensive. I just kind of said it when i visited a concentration camp in Munich. Its cool though because my roommate is jewish. Well thats the way i´m giong to justify it.

Alternate title for this post: Things not to say at Dachau.

Jesse: Hey, are we gonna visit the creamatorium. I bet its pretty depressing.
Stuart: Naw man. they turned it into a brick-oven pizzaria.

AWWW. Why would i post this? If i wasn´t going to see beezlebub, i definitely am now.

on arrival to Dachau
Jesse: I wonder if they have anywhere to eat inside.
Stuart: I just hope they have a Kosher meal!

See there is this sponge in my brain that usually soaks up inappropriate things that i think of. This day, unfortunately, it wasn´t working. See its that uneasy laugh that people gave me so i thought it was okay to post these.

The people who acutally read this blog will have the final say in how offensive it truly is.

One of these things is not like the other

I don't know why I let this bother me but why is it that in the movie Armargedden the crew has the following supplies list:
space suits
air tanks
rocket fuel
digging equipment
dried food
gravity suits
super high tech space cars/ditch diggers
and last but most important....
8 pipe cleaner straws

Seriously why in the fuck did they bring pipe cleaners onto the asteroid.
This has a lot of potential to be funny but too tired to try so just try and think of something funnier in your head.

On a different note Caleb called me today and he was on a tour in the building where Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy from. I told him that when he gets to the window to say loudly "Man, this window's got a killer view."

A Shitty Joke

Not really a joke, more a question...
Why is it that the more dehydrated you get the worse dihareaha you get. Seriously it usually goes something like this.
Me to Colon: Geeze I drank so much last night I have absolutely no excess water to get rid of. I need to save my entire water supply to get by for the rest of the day.
Colon to Toilet: Plob plob gargle splash splash (fart noise waterfall noise).

Wouldn't it make more sense that when you get dehydrated you get like DUSThareaha or POWDERhareaha. I guess something like this
Me to Colon: Geeze I drank so much last night I have absolutely no excess water to get rid of. I need to save my entire water supply to get by for the rest of the day.
Colon to Toilet: PPPHHHFFFFF (quiet sand dropping into water noise)

Necessary Euphemisms vol. 1

Every day we beat around the bush and use euphemisms to make things sound a little better than what were acutally going to do. FUCK THAT, SON!!! I´m tired of that shit. Here are some examples i´ve thought of so far:

Euphamism:
Me: Hey, milk. Do you wanna go downtown tonight?
Mike: Yeah that sounds great. How about Bourbon Street to see Sean and Snaileb?
Me: Yeah we should go around 10:15 so we can hit up power hour.
Mike: sounds good. i dont know if i´m gonna drink a lot tonight
Me: I could drive
Mike: maybe.

New un-euphed way this conversation´s gonna go:
Me: Hey, milk. Do you wanna binge drink tonight, possibly downtown?
Mike: Fuck yeah i wanna get hype!! i hope sean and caleb are working so we can get drinks quick and not have to wait like all those suck-asses for 15 minutes for their Bud Light.
Me: No shit! Lets go really early so we can get drunk to the point of either throwing up or embarrasing ourselves by saying stupid shit or offense jokes about SARS. I mean we can chug 8 rum& cokes in about an hour and not buy more shit the rest of the night because we wanna be thrifty.
Mike: yeah i dont wanna drink a lot but when sean puts jägerbombs in my face i´m gonna drink them and then probably get so drunk i´ll cut open my shirt and take hilarious pictures.
Me: I could drive. (obvious lie) but i´m gonna get shitfaced and i would really prefer to never drive anywhere because i hate it.
Mike: bullshit you are gonna drive, you never drive you dingus. we´ll just get some loser who doesnt wanna get shitfaced to drive our asses around and i bet i´ll get a Pita at some point.
Me: Taco bell is so much better. Then we can attempt to watch some sort of television which will just end in us falling asleep embracing eachother.
Mike: yeah. i love you, stubear.
Me: i love you too, mike.

See it may be longer but quit all that bullshiting, you assholes. just say what you´re gonna do. Damn. This idea came up when i asked one of my new Europe buddies if he wanted to go binge drink. Then we laughed and laughed.

Bad Food Retribution

Remember that Chili´s e-mail I sent. Remember how fucking mad i was. Well it was all worth it now. Read the following email and you´ll see the reason as to why I am so proud of myself.

June 30, 2005

Dear Mr. Cloud,

We would like to thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding our AlpharettaChili's. We know you have many casual dining options and we appreciate that you choseto dine with us at Chili's.

Please accept our sincere apologies for the unsatisfactory food. We work hard to maintainthe highest standards of guest service that our reputation is built on, and it is verydisappointing to hear we did not meet your expectations. Please be assured we haveforwarded your comments to the Area Director.

Mr. Cloud, we would like to provide you with dinner coupons to thank you for bringingthis issue to our attention, but unfortunately we do not have your mailing address. Atyour convenience please contact any of our Guest Relations representatives Mondaythrough Friday, 8:00am - 5:00pm Central time, at 800-983-4637, option 3, and refer tocase #41---4, or please feel free to email us.We will then forward the coupons to your attention. We look forward to the opportunityto provide you with an enjoyable dining experience.Thank you.

Sincerely,Mary Jo Robbins
Guest Relations
Ref # 41---4

Yeah i changed the reference number because i dont want you bastards trying to eat my meal. Count it!