best away message ever...

every time a retard is executed, an angel gets its wings

Girls Gone Mild

I'm gonna be sooooo rich, I just thought of a genous plot to make hundreds...literally hundreds. Enter Girls Gone Mild... Crazy girls in front of the camera bearing a little. Camera turns on and two girls give each other hugs or just waving at the camera. I can already feel the money.

Better Luck Next Time

You know what is the most amazing thing to see on campus. No its not the crazy religous guy by tate. How funny is it when someone is walking by an elevator and sees that it is open and makes a run for it but it shuts right in his or her (hopefully her) face. On a same note I love it when someone runs for a bus and it pulls out right before they get there and all that gross ass smoke goes right in their face. God I love it. Many more bonus points if the person is of Asian descent.

quite humbled

You know what I never noticed until now. I currenly live in a apartment where I have a mirror right near my toilet. Watching myself wipe my fanny is probably the most humbling thing in this world.

HOW THE FUCK!?!?!

I just went to the bathroom to urinate and as I was relieving myself at a urnial and noticed a pubic hair on top of the urinal. Now, HOW THE FUCK does that happen?

Worst days for your birthday

I've been thinking about this and there are two days that definitely would blow to have your birthday fall on:

1. December 25 - I know what you're thinking. "That's obvious." No shit but you know how people always justify this shitty birthday by saying, "its cool dude, you'll get double presents!." Bullshit! Your parents got lucky that on this day they only have to buy you your Nintendo Entertainment System and not that Schwinn you were hoping to get, because they know double presents doesn't exist. And you sit bitter because all your parents friends fucked in October and they in turn have July birthdays. You deserved that Schwinn too and you know it!

2. September 11 - This is a more recent one. Lets say it started around 2001. How shitty would it feel to be this guy:

Hambone 1: Dude its 11:54 pm on September 10, 2001. Lets go out and get shitcanned because in six minutes i'm gonna be mother fucking 21. (grunts)
Hambone 2: Yeah dude. We should go to Uptown and try to get some coked out slut to give you a handjob in the bathroom.
Hambone 1: Yeah I'll totally fingerfuck her too, dude!

2:32 am (now Sept. 11)
Hambone 1: I'm fuckin' smashed man. This rocks man. Tomorrow night's gonna be sick. Jethro's coming in town from Southern and he said he's gonna make me throw up on a fat chick tomorrow night.
Hambone 2: Fuck yeah. Jethro's a drinking machine. He's gonna get retarded.
Hambone 1: dude that's not cool, a girl in my cousin's math class is retarded
Hambone 2: sorry dude, I had no clue.
Hambone 1: Its cool man. Just try to be more sensitive. Ok. lets get some shut eye. I'm gonna set my alarm for 8:50 so i can make my 9:05. I still gonna be shitfaced when i get up.
Hambone 2: OH YEAAAAAA!

(8:53 AM)
Hambone 1: Dude, What the fuck is up!?!? What's going on?
Hambone 2: Well Jethro called me and said he can't come.
Hambone 1: Why the fuck not. That pussyfart always craps out, dude.
Hambone 2: Acutally, Terrance, its because a plane just flew into one of the World Trade Center buildings.
Hambone 1: Its just some fluke accident, Charlie, c'mon amigo.
(the other building gets hit)
Hambone 2: Oh jeeze.
Hambone 1: this is totally ruining my birthday
--end scene--

See not only was Terrance's 21st birthday ruined but every time on this day when he wants to binge drink because its his god given right, he can't because everyone is lighting candles and shit.
I'm not saying its right but having this day as your birthday would be like getting hit in the face with afterbirth.