As a follow up, every guy has a chin strap. I feel like i live in Jersey Beach.

Living the Dream

It appears that every girl in Columbia has the same issue. They are fat and ghetto.

just needed to get that off my chest...

Just curious

We all know those silly names given to white guys that attempt to act like black people: wiggers, wegroes, wafrican americans, etc. I'm not saying they act like ALL black people but they attempt to act like the urban-thuggish ones.

Now I'm wondering if these wanna be negroes do other things besides speaking like they can't annunciate and wear long baggy white shirts. Do they also scream at movie screens? Do they claim they can't swim even though they were most likely on their sub-division swim team?

Just curious.

A Challenge

I was watching The Colbert Report and witnessed a commercial advertising for a double CD called Buzzcuts. This commercial claims that this is a collection of my favorite alternative songs. There are 30 tracks and I challenge you to find one song that doesn't make you want to pull your teeth out with a pair of pliers.

I tried to copy and paste the tracks but it put all this silly shit on this blogspot template so here is the website where you can view and tracks and scoff when they expect you to pay $26.99 for the awful collection.

http://www.musicspace.com/product.asp?catalog%5Fname=MusicSpace&product%5Fid=MS1308&s_kwcid=buzzcuts|1030462701

I mean Counting Crows, Bush and Stone Temple Pilots are halfway decent and a good view of some 90's alternative rock. Not to say that these bands are even close to the top 100 of all time. I take that back, 200.

But then you add in Sum 41, Drowning Pool and Crazytown which makes the previous bands get lumped into a category with these jerks that have NEVER made a song worth listening to. Who makes these CDs and more importantly who the freak buys them. I mean Lifehouse's Hanging by a Moment was a defining song in my life. I don't know who I would be without it. And you better believe that Papa Roach made the list too. I want to slap the nerd specks off whoever thought this was a good idea. I would also like to turn all the men who purchased this album into eunuchs. They deserve it. And obviously women should have their vaginas sewn up so they can never reproduce to make other stupid offspring. While were on the topic of Offspring, why didn't they make the alternative list? Obviously, not that give it to me baby song but "Self Esteem" should have made the list. This is a travesty. And that awesome Puddle of Mudd song should have made it. Oh wait! It did. And by awesome I mean I'd rather give away my first born than ever hear that dribble again. I think everyone can agree that we don't want people thinking this double disc comprises everything that was great in music in the mid to late 90's. There wasn't much but this collection is by far the worst. I'm surprised "Click, Click, Boom" didn't make it.

Subway Stench

Everyone knows when you leave a bar, you are most likely going to smell like smoke unless you are some sort of scent wizard. But have you noticed whenever you leave Subway that stink that's inside everyone subway clings to you like dirt on bums?

You Can Find Funny Things Anywhere.

I was recently at a Starbuck’s purchasing overpriced bean water and noticed a piece of paper on the ground. Since I recently discovered anything you find or see could make tasty blog subjects, I decided to pick it up. It was a shopping list and I found it hilarious. Here are the items on this list:

Lean Cuisine, frozen yogurt, bread, spinach, eng. muffins, advil.

Now in my opinion, that is a hilarious shopping list. I thought of the bizarre things this lady eats. I think it’s a woman because of the handwriting or a homosexual male. There were no hearts above the I’s but I’m just guessing. This person is a health nut with headaches. I wonder what she looks like. I bet she loves spinach covered English muffins.

Pete Can't Plunge for Shit.

So my WOP friend, Pete, decided to take a monster deuce. Since Pete is a neat freak, he used a tremendous amount of toilet paper. Obviously, this ended in a clogged toilet. Pete attempted to plunge this toilet but it ended in an out of order sign of the commode. A work order was placed and a well spoken negro came in and plunged his way to unclogged toilet paradise. Pete couldn’t plunge his way to being able to use the toilet, but the work order answering brotha showed us his true skills. “Pete, if you get beat it should be by the best.”

Frank Caliendo is a fat Dickhead!

Frank Caliendo is NOT funny. When impressions are your whole shtick, you are not funny. This is why he was on Mad TV and not a well respected show like Who’s Line is it Anyway. There has been no one funny person to come from Mad TV and do anything worth a duck’s flatulence. I mean no one has ever done a Dr. Phil impression(being sarcastic). But his George W. Bush impression is just rib tickling(being facetious). Actually it makes me want to vomit. Yes we all know Dubs is an idiot. No one will disagree with that. So doing that impression during a Dish Net commercial criticizing his intelligence is just outdated. It’s like if I were to do a joke about slick willy getting his man milk on that heifer’s dress. It’s just not funny anymore. Oh Frank does Bill Clinton as well. I hope someone somewhere realizes that he is another untalented dickhead and no one should ever give him money to do anything. John madden impressions are also unimpressive. I can’t wait to see him to Christopher Walken. I didn’t want to make an assumption about Frank until I did a little bit of youtube research. Then I noticed a video from his show called Seinfeld 2027. Since I’m not a Seinfeld fan, I guess I would have to watch another of his videos after this one to get an objective opinion. But after seeing his impression of all the characters of the show, I realized I could never watch anything with him again unless it was him getting hung like the Saddam Hussein video. The worst part is it’s him just looking short and fat in all his impressions, so it really kind of ruins them. Just kidding. The fact that all he does is impressions is what makes Frank Caliendo terrible. The following is a list of the first few comments under the youtube video followed by my comments if I were to make a youtube account:

“I thought they were pretty good. Yeah, you could make a show around his impressions, his show will be about more than those four impressions (I'm not counting Elaine...) he can do like dozens of people, and I think the show is gonna rock. It's about skits of him with his impressions, bound to be funny. Thanks man, and have a good one.” – You are most likely a premature baby with a feeble brain.

“his best are his madden and bush” – incorrect

“lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” – I don’t even know what this means but I’m sure retarded folks can make youtube accounts too. (by the way the person’s nom de plum who wrote this was youngthug16)

“he is awsome” – You are a terrible speller which is why you like Frank Caliendo.

“better than mencia” – that’s a silly comment. Like candy is delicious. Everything is better than Carlos Mencia. AIDS, SIDS,etc. I think that Frank Caliendo and Carlos Mencia are equally awful.

“i AGREE” – you would, you fucking Mad TV fan!

“that wasnt much of an elaine impression haha” – Of course it wasn’t because he is short and fat.

“it would be funny if this acutally happend!” – No it wouldn’t be. It would be funnier if Frank Caliendo would do a Terry Schiavo impression and never talk or move again.

“youre a dumbass. although i gotta say that I've seen him do much better impressions of kramer.” – Your comment started out great and then you ruined it with your comment about a better Kramer impression. You know who does a funny Kramer impression and is a secret racist, Michael Richards.

If you would like to get angry with me you can see the video on youtube through this link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ElWNFgMqGuE&feature=related

Naked Boobies for Sale!

Since moving, I have decided to downsize a bit. Obviously, since I’m young, I have no furniture of my own the items I’ve taken from my parents. I decided I’m tired of lugging around all my pornography. I know what you’re thinking, “Stuart, why does a cock hustler like you need to have dirty spank mags?” It’s simple really, I give the best hand jobs I’ve ever had. I think it’s silly to look at naked chicks in Playboy when I can think of two of these ladies scissoring while listening to Pearl Jam. Now that gets my penis motor going.

I decided that I would investigate on Ebay if I could sell my used jerk off materials. They didn’t sell for shit. It would just be a waste of time. I do have one from 1970 and those bitches bushes look like Buckwheat’s head. Who would want that? Some lady-pube loving creep somewhere would possibly collect these vintage pornzines. I wonder if I could just sell them to some middle school kids for 5 bucks each. I would hook them in with pornography and then start selling them cigarettes. Yes, cancer. They can’t buy them at local cancer peddling joints, so I would sell them for an honest price. Ten dollars a pack. Hook with porn, then smokes. Al Capone’s got nothing on me.

The Definition of Irony as Seen in the Death of B. Renfro

I haven’t expressed my remorse about my favorite actor from the movie, The Client, Brad Renfro. I know what you’re thinking, “Tommy Lee Jones was in that movie as well.” Yes, but Brad was an up and coming child start that I would get to see evolve into a drug addled child star just like the kids of the 80’s got to see the Corey’s booze and coke it up for those years. Brad Renfro was mine. But this isn’t really about Brad, it’s about irony. I was doing some research today on my favorite actor from the movie, Tom & Huck. JTT wasn’t a solid actor like Brad was.

Anywho, Brad was discovered for The Client after being in an anti-drug skit when wasn’t even an actor yet. Irony. He also said he wanted to go to film school. I guess after he kept doing amazing films, he decided to skip film school and decided to ride the drug train. It’s an unfortunate situation but I got to find the definition of irony on the internet and I just had to enter “Brad Renfro died” into the Google search bar. Thanks, interweb. He died on January 15, 2008 and I want everyone to put ice cubes up to their crotch and drop them and scream to the heavens, “Look, Ricky, an Eskimo pissin’” in his memory of course. RIP Braddy Poo.

Britney Pool

My friends and I had a pool on the Royal Rumble in January. I won, which kicked ass but decided a crap shoot pool for a fixed wrestling match didn’t satiate my gambling hunger. Four of us decided to bet when Britney Spears would kick the bucket or shoot herself in the face for the low price of 5 dollars each. We picked this year and each got three months out of the year. I picked February because I assumed with Valentine’s Day and no husband, she might just off herself. She also got out of rehab so I figured it was a sure thing, but I was incorrect. Now it’s March and she is still living. I can’t remember when my next month was but I hope she is buried during mine!

And I know there has been a lot of Britney bashing especially by that fat Hispanic cum burper, but this isn't Britney bashing. It's friendly gambling.